here i am

I don't really know what is it I want to write about today. I am here, life is moving along as usual, and that is good. Ever since my mom's aneurysm I have come to like status quo - nothing is too great nothing is too bad. life is a continuous ebb and flow and never again will I complain about things being boring and just plain old normal. Normal is good. At this moment in time every one in my life is happy and healthy. At least for the most part. I am 30, married and have a baby and that's what I want. Things to be normal, boring and healthy.  Do I need adventure and risk? No. Do I need excitement in my life every day? No. Of course everyone like's excitement, but I am utterly happy just moving along every day in my life doing things as I normally do. Working, taking care of my daughter, playing with her, enjoying my husband and dog and spending time with the rest of my family. I enjoy every moment of it because unfortunately we never know how long we will have all of this.

over time

So here we are more than two years after the aneurysm. Sometimes it's like things never changed and sometimes I know things will never be the same. One thing I am sure of is that I have my mom with me now and I hope it stays that way for a long time. I had my first baby on Christmas morning this year - what a great blessing. And what a great blessing that my baby girl is able to know and love her Baba, my mom. That is one of the things that scared me the most when my mom's aneurysm happened, is what if my mom isn't around when I have my children?? How on earth will I raise them without her help, guidance and most of all, love. Her most precious things in life are her grandchildren - she loves nothing more. I beam with pride when I see how she loves them and I am so lucky to have her. I dread thinking of the day when she may not be here, but how can I dwell on that?

Sometimes I have to make myself not dwell on it, but what can you do.  I am a worrywart and I lay in bed at night often thinking about 'what if' things or 'what is to come' and I hate that I do that. I just hate it, but there's nothing I can do. I just try to make myself stop thinking about it. I just count my blessings and live life.

And love life.