here i am

I don't really know what is it I want to write about today. I am here, life is moving along as usual, and that is good. Ever since my mom's aneurysm I have come to like status quo - nothing is too great nothing is too bad. life is a continuous ebb and flow and never again will I complain about things being boring and just plain old normal. Normal is good. At this moment in time every one in my life is happy and healthy. At least for the most part. I am 30, married and have a baby and that's what I want. Things to be normal, boring and healthy.  Do I need adventure and risk? No. Do I need excitement in my life every day? No. Of course everyone like's excitement, but I am utterly happy just moving along every day in my life doing things as I normally do. Working, taking care of my daughter, playing with her, enjoying my husband and dog and spending time with the rest of my family. I enjoy every moment of it because unfortunately we never know how long we will have all of this.

over time

So here we are more than two years after the aneurysm. Sometimes it's like things never changed and sometimes I know things will never be the same. One thing I am sure of is that I have my mom with me now and I hope it stays that way for a long time. I had my first baby on Christmas morning this year - what a great blessing. And what a great blessing that my baby girl is able to know and love her Baba, my mom. That is one of the things that scared me the most when my mom's aneurysm happened, is what if my mom isn't around when I have my children?? How on earth will I raise them without her help, guidance and most of all, love. Her most precious things in life are her grandchildren - she loves nothing more. I beam with pride when I see how she loves them and I am so lucky to have her. I dread thinking of the day when she may not be here, but how can I dwell on that?

Sometimes I have to make myself not dwell on it, but what can you do.  I am a worrywart and I lay in bed at night often thinking about 'what if' things or 'what is to come' and I hate that I do that. I just hate it, but there's nothing I can do. I just try to make myself stop thinking about it. I just count my blessings and live life.

And love life.

things change.

Why do things feel so different than they did on January 19 and before? Sometimes everything feels different...all the relationships in my family, individual relationships, chats, everything. My mom and I are best friends now, we tell each other everything. I am so thankful for that. All of this has opened my eyes to myself and lots of things going on inside me. I am now questioning so many things I do and my actions. Do I want to waste my time being passive and not really stating how I feel? Do I really want to put up with the criticisms and annoyances that I always have? My mom has taught me life is too short for this. I am not content with just dealing anymore. She and I both have become stronger people and are standing up to those around us. I am my own person and I am going to live my life how I want to live my life. We only get one chance to do so. I am thankful to my mom, my inspiration, for teaching me this.

things change.

i am so thankful.

So it was my 2nd wedding anniversary two days ago, yes, on April Fool’s Day. It feels like just yesterday we were married but yet so much has happened since then! My mom had us over for Easter and I gave her a framed picture of us from my wedding. It was the back of our heads standing at the Mary statue during mass. She was so touched and grateful for this picture, showing everyone who was there. I think these little mementos really set in for her as well how close we are and especially how close we have become in the past few months.

My husband and I are spending a night away this Saturday to celebrate our anniversary and my mom has gratefully offered to watch our dog for the evening. Though such a little event, it makes me so grateful things are ‘normal’. Normal in the sense that my mom is able to watch our little dog and things can carry on as usual. How close we were to things NOT being normal!! But they are and I am, we are, SO lucky. My mom sends us cards in the mail for all holidays- and when I opened our two anniversary cards, one from my parents and one addressed from our dog (of course sent by my mom) I just had a flash to realize how incredibly sad I would be to not get cards in the mail from her constantly. Sometimes I chuckle that she sends me postal mail though we live so close and I see her all the time, but I realized I love it. And I do just the same – I love sending cards and do so whenever I can!

So at this time of year I am so thankful for my husband, our marriage and for our biggest cheerleader, my mom.

i am so thankful.

my best friend.

As I sat by my mom's bedside in the neuro-ICU for days on end, I had countless hours available to me to think, ponder, cry and just watch my mom's every movement, still in disbelief each day that this was really happening. Who ever thinks their young and vibrant mom would be seemingly helpless lying in the ICU, her body taken over by beeping machines, tubes and drains. Even a drain coming straight out of her head (a vision I hope to one day be able to erase out of my head.) The machines, the fact my mom had not left a bed for days, weeks, having no idea where she was turned her into someone she's not. For those of you who have been through this, you know exactly what I mean. That ICU and the machines can surely do a number on someone. I just wanted my mom back each day I sat there by her side, watching TV or doing crossword puzzles (at least in the early days) and I am lucky enough to have her.

Sitting at her bedside for hours made me realize how she is my best friend and how lucky I am to have that in my mom. I know way too many people that are not blessed with the relationship I have with their mothers. Sometimes I think it's sad it took a horrific event like this for me to truly realize what we have and how much I love her, but so what. Better now than never, right? I almost didn't have that chance to realize it, but I did get another chance. Another chance I am so grateful for. And to have her back just the way she was - we could not have been any luckier. She really is...

my best friend.

i am so proud.

To step forward a moment, here we are today. 62 days post the rupture of my mom's aneurysm. She is home, upset it's snowing so hard that she can't drive to church. So instead she decides to nap on the couch, taking a break from Easter preparations. Amazing? I think so. We all think so. Though sometimes we must remind her of that fact, as she thinks she's just fine. Each day I am utterly amazed at her recovery - each new day brings a bit more strength to her voice, a deeper chuckle to her laugh, a shorter nap and a bigger smile. Sure, there have been setbacks to her positive outlook. Sure, there have been discouraging conversations with doctors who tell her she can't go back to work for many months. But then she remembers (sometimes after some slight reminders from me!) that she's here, alive and well, among her husband, children and grandchildren. What more could you ask for?

There are times we must remind her of the horror and trauma that we went through, particularly my dad. I don't know that I'll ever be able to understand the terrible thoughts and visions I'm sure he still carries with him from that January 19. He watches my mom like a hawk and sometimes seems to annoy her incessantly, but then we have to remember what he saw and probably still has nightmares about. She does not remember, so we must remind her.

How every new holiday since that fateful day has meant so much. We have been lucky enough to celebrate as a family my 28th birthday, the birth of my new nephew, her new grandson, my mom's 61st birthday, St. Patrick's Day and now Easter on Sunday. It's truly amazing.

I am so proud.

i need her.

After getting the call, that car ride never seemed to end. Rocking back and forth in my passenger seat, attempting to keep my shaking and shuddering body under control, I felt my whole life with my mom flash before my eyes. I was only 27 on that day – I can’t lose my mom now I kept thinking. I have my whole life ahead of me with her. I don’t have kids yet, haven't had grandkids for her to love yet - I can’t have kids without her. She’s my mom and I need her. I need her, I need her, I need her. That’s all I remember going through my head that entire seeming-like-eternity ride. All I knew was there was something terrible happening to my mom and I just was not there.

At some point I called my brother, and thankfully got ahold of him. I still had absolutely no idea what was going on! Once I spoke with him, I was comforted to hear something but more upset by what I did hear. He arrived at the house - the house I lived in for 25 years - in a flash, he said by driving nearly 100 miles per hour down the single road to their house. Not only driving nearly 100 miles per hour, but driving that fast with knives sitting under the floor mat of the passenger seat. Leaving his own house in such a crazed panic, he said it was just a reaction to grab them from the kitchen knife holder on his way bounding out the door as he had no idea what was going on over at their house. Robbers? Intruders? No idea – grab some protection is what went through his head.

As he’s talking to me I hear the commotion in the background, voices, sirens, just noise is what I remember. The bits I recall hearing from him is that dad found mom laying unconscious in the indoor hot tub in their den and he couldn't wake her. The paramedics arrived just about the time my brother did and thankfully they were able to get her to come to. With my ears feeling clogged shut, not wanting to hear one more stomach-sickening thing, he continued to say she was conscious and somewhat coherent, but couldn’t move the entire right side of her body. What? My mom not being able to move the side of her body? You're crazy and don't know what you are talking about. That's when I think my ears and my entire body began to shut down. I distinctly remember while he was telling me all this that he seemed to be not telling the whole, 100% truth to me. I just felt my big brother was making it sound better than it was, as awful as it even did sound already.

I need her, I need her, I need her. I have not had kids yet.